By Dr CHAN Kwok Ling Phyllis, Specialist in Psychiatry, HKU & Advisor, Save the Children Hong Kong
“Son, how was school today?” “……Nothing.”
“How’s your exam revision going?”
“It’s fine.”
“You look pale—are you unwell?”
“I’m okay.”
Does this script play out in your home every day?
Parents are frantic like ants on a hot brick, while their child is like a switched-off phone—no response even when you’ve worn out the charging cable.
The latest research from Save the Children Hong Kong, Hearing the Child, reveals a harsh reality: when adolescents feel upset, 73.3% rarely or never turn to their parents for help, 96.8% don’t approach teachers, and 97.5% don’t reach out to social workers. They would rather retreat into social media (78.7%) or turn to friends (86.3%) than open up to the “grown-ups” around them.
A child’s silence does not mean they have no needs—it means they are not ready, they fear being misunderstood, and they dread being criticised. Today, let’s skip the big theories and directly break down three “superpower skills”—respect, patience, and listening—and teach you how to stay connected even during your child’s most rebellious years.
Skill #1: Respect — Treat Your Child as a “Person”, Not a “Possession”
Research shows that the behaviours adolescents resent most in parents are “losing their temper,” “checking my phone,” and “controlling everything.” Simply put, it’s a lack of respect for their autonomy.
Example: A 13-year-old daughter wants to dye her hair blue.
Traditional parent: “No way! Why mess around with all those chemicals when you’re perfectly fine as you are?” (Child pulls a long face instantly.)
Respectful version: “Wow, blue is so cool! But the school has rules. How about we look into temporary spray dyes and save it for the holidays?” — First affirm her wish, then work together to find a feasible solution.
Respect doesn’t mean giving in to everything—it means letting your child feel that “my opinion is being taken seriously.” When you respect their right to choose, they will respect your boundaries.
Skill #2: Patience — Learning to “Wait” Works Better Than “Keep Asking”
Children often stay silent because your questions feel like an interrogation hotline: “Why are you upset? Who bullied you? Did the teacher scold you? Just tell me!” — The more you ask, the more they withdraw.
Patience means: allowing silence, allowing “not being ready yet.” Research found that 45.3% of adolescents feel that “no one truly understands or can help me,” because adults are always rushing to give answers. Next time your child comes home looking downcast, simply hand them a cup of hot chocolate and gently say: “You look like something’s on your mind. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it yet. I’m here—come over when you’re ready.” Then turn around and go about your business. Many children will naturally “drift” over to start talking within ten minutes. Patience is not passivity—it’s showing them through action: Your time is worth waiting for.
Skill #3: Listening — Turn Off “Teaching Mode” and Switch On “Receiving Mode”
One of the most striking findings: 41.2% of parents always add a “how to do better next time” when giving praise. Your child scores 90—you praise them, then add, “Why didn’t you get 5 more marks?” — That joy vanishes instantly. True listening means no interrupting, no judging, no “buts”.
Example: The child complains, “The maths teacher is so annoying, always picking on me.”
Wrong response: “You must have been messing around in class!” (Conversation over in one second.)
Right response: “Oh? What did they do that made you so upset?” — First acknowledge the emotion, then guide the details. The golden rule of listening is: Respond to feelings first, deal with the issue later. Your child needs a “tree hollow space,” not a “judge.”
Special Feature: When Your Child Enters the Rebellious Phase — From “Confrontation” to “Dialogue”
The rebellious phase (peak at mid-adolescence) is a necessary stage for children to build their identity. They challenge authority, love to contradict, and their emotions are like a rollercoaster. Many parents ask: “They’re so rebellious—how do we even talk?” Remember simply: go with the flow.
- Offer “give them choices” instead of “orders”
Instead of saying “Go take a shower NOW!”, say “Would you rather shower now or after dinner?” — Turn “whether to do it” into “when to do it.” When they feel in control, their resistance will drop significantly.
- Use “I-messages” instead of “You-accusations”
Child comes home late. Don’t say “You’re always so irresponsible!” (Instant rebuttal). Instead say “I get really worried about you. Next time you’re running late, could you WhatsApp me?” — Express your own feelings rather than attacking their character, making it easier for them to receive.
- Accept their “irrational” emotions
Rebellious teens often explode over small things. Instead of scolding “Why are you crying over something so trivial?”, say “I know you’re really angry right now. I’ve been there too. Let’s just sit together for a bit.” — Accept the emotion first, talk after they’ve calmed down. Research shows adolescents most long to hear “You did well,” “I support you,” “I believe in you”—these words are especially crucial during rebellion, because beneath their tough exterior, they desperately need affirmation.
- Set boundaries, but stay flexible
Major principles around safety, morality, and academics cannot be compromised, but let go of the small stuff—clothing, hairstyles, hobbies. Remember: Win the argument, lose the child. Better to save your firepower for more important battles than to start a war over a tuft of hair.
Final Tip: “Self-Rescue” for Parents
The study also reminds us that 41% of parents experience depressive symptoms due to parenting stress. When your emotions boil over and your EQ hits zero, every word you say becomes a damaging weapon. Please give yourself 15 minutes of “Me Time” every day—make a cup of tea, listen to a song, zone out. Only when you take care of yourself can you have the capacity to contain your child’s emotions.
The next time your child says “I’m okay,” put down your phone and focus on looking at them and gently reply: “Hey, I’m here. We can talk whenever you are ready.” Those eyes will tell you that behind the silence, there are actually thousand unspoken words.
Reference: Save the Children Hong Kong, “Hearing the Child: How Family Interaction Affects Adolescent Mental Health” Research Report (May 2026)