By Ms. Pang Chiu Chi, Gigi, Chair of the Division of Counselling Psychology, The Hong Kong Psychological Society
Ten-year-old Hin has recently been returning home from school only to retreat straight into his bedroom and lock the door. Whenever his parents ask with concern, “How was school today?”, he responds coldly, “It was nothing.” His parents feel confused and even frustrated. They work tirelessly every day to provide the best material conditions for him and frequently buy him toys as encouragement, so why does their child still seem so distant?
In reality, many obstacles in parent-child communication stem not from a lack of love, but from failing to express that love in a way the child can truly receive.
Every child has an “Emotional Love Tank”
Renowned marriage and family experts Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell proposed that every child has an “Emotional Love Tank” inside them (Chapman & Campbell, 2016). When a child’s love tank is full, they feel secure and deeply accepted. Faced with difficulties, they possess sufficient psychological resilience to cope and are more willing to share their inner anxieties with their parents. Conversely, if their love tank runs empty, children easily feel lonely and discouraged. They may even express a cry for help through temper tantrums, withdrawal, or disobedience.
We can also view the parent-child relationship as a bank account. In daily life, every thoughtful act of care serves as a deposit; whereas discipline, criticism, or inevitable conflicts act as withdrawals. If we do not make consistent deposits, the love tank will dry up, leading to relationship overdrafts and breakdowns whenever discipline (withdrawal) becomes necessary. To maintain a healthy parent-child relationship, we must understand our child’s primary love language and make precise deposits into their love tank.
The 5 Love Languages
1. Words of Affirmation
For children with this primary love language, words are the best nourishment for the soul. However, rather than vague praise like “You’re so smart!”, children need specific, meaningful affirmation that acknowledges their efforts. For example: “I noticed how hard you worked to solve that math problem just now. Even though it was tough, you didn’t give up. I really admire your persistence!” This reassures the child that their hard work is valued, thereby building genuine inner confidence.
2. Quality Time
What these children crave most is their parents’ undivided attention. High-quality companionship is not defined by length of time, but by presence of mind.
Try putting down your smartphone and turning off the TV for a dedicated 10 minutes before bedtime. Engage eye-to-eye and heart-to-heart, listen to them talk about the happiest or most frustrating moments of their day. Avoid rushing to preach or criticize, simply listen with warmth. These 10 minutes will make them feel deeply valued and prioritized.
3. Receiving Gifts
For these children, a gift serves as a tangible symbol of love, the core value lies in the thought behind it rather than the monetary cost.
Before leaving for work in the morning, try leaving a small sticky note with a drawn heart on their desk; or bring back a small souvenir when returning from a trip. These gestures reassure children of your connection even when you are physically apart.
4. Acts of Service
Children who value acts of service draw a sense of safety from knowing their parents are always there to support them with practical help.
However, keep in mind that service does not mean doing everything for them. Parents should offer age-appropriate assistance when a child hits a wall. For instance, if your child feels overwhelmed by a room full of scattered toys, invite them to brainstorm how you can clean up together. This addresses their call for help while preserving their autonomy and sense of accomplishment.
5. Physical Touch
A gentle hug, holding hands, a pat on the shoulder, or a goodnight kiss are the most direct ways to communicate security. When a child feels down or experiences separation anxiety, timely physical contact can swiftly soothe their nervous system, helping them feel protected and connected once more.
Important reminders for parents: unconditional love and boundaries
While using these love languages to make deposits into your child’s love tank, here are two mindset principles to keep in mind:
1. Love is unconditional and must never be used as bargaining chip
Expressions of love should never become leverage for discipline—such as saying, “I’ll hug you only if you behave,” or “I’ll buy you a gift only if you rank first.“ Children need to know that regardless of their performance or mistakes, they are inherently worthy of love.
2. Love requires gentleness, but it also requires boundaries
Filling a child’s love tank is by no means equivalent to boundaryless indulgence or blind compliance. Clear and reasonable boundaries act like a protective fence, allowing children to safely learn self-control and personal responsibility within a loving environment.
Dear parents, starting today, observe which love language resonates most with your child. Try depositing a little bit of love into their tank every day, empowering them to grow up wholesomely in a loving environment and face life’s challenges with courage!
Reference:
Chapman, G., & Campbell, R. (2016). The 5 love languages of children: The secret to loving children effectively. Moody Publishers.