a In daily life, many struggle to express themselves effectively. This challenge is especially pronounced in children who may lack the vocabulary and experience to articulate their emotions. As a result, they may resort to extreme behaviors like temper tantrums or withdrawal to communicate their needs.
Full-time mother Siu Lan, with her five-year-old son, Lok Him, and four-year-old daughter, Lok Ching, has discovered a new way to bridge this gap by the positive parenting skills she recently learned.
Siu Lan participated in the Heart to Heart Parent-Child programme implemented by Save the Children Hong Kong. From the “Positive Parenting, Loving Family” parent mutual support group of the programme, she understood that children’s behaviors and emotions serve as a “disguise,” concealing deeper aspects such as their feelings, perspectives, expectations, desires, and sense of self. Being patient and delving beneath the surface is essential to uncover the motivations behind their actions, fostering trust, encouraging sharing, and nurturing positivity.
Encouragement over blame: Supporting children to seek help
Siu Lan thought that the greatest benefit of the Heart to Heart programme is that she has learned to manage her emotions, which is not only applicable to herself, but also very helpful in disciplining and understanding her son, Lok Him.
“In the past, I used to scold him when he lost his temper, but now I think, does scolding help him? When a child is frustrated, he needs us to guide him. If we take things personally with him, we will not be able to solve the problem.” Through the programme ,Siu Lan learned about the “Iceberg” theory and realised that the real problem to be dealt with is not the emotions, but the deep-rooted causes of the emotions.
“Lok Him likes to play with LEGOs, and sometimes when the LEGOs are stacked up, he can’t help losing his temper. In the past, I would say, ‘Just don’t play. What are you angry about?” Now I will put myself in his shoes and realise the difficulty of taking LEGOs apart. He may have been seeking help and feeling powerless behind his anger, yet I failed to read his concealed message beforehand.” Understanding the limitations of children, Siu Lan is now more willing to accompany her son, letting him know that if he is willing to seek help, he will receive it.
Recognising positive parenting and satisfing children’s curiosity in many ways
Lok Him is a caring boy who not only takes care of his younger sister Lok Ching like a leader, but also provides warmth his mom when she is in need. Siu Lan says that her son always wants to achieve all-around in everything he does, but setting the bars too high for himself often leads to anger when he fails his goals. “Now he uses red and green lights to let me know his emotions. Between the green light and the red light, there is a amber light, and we have to intervene when the amber light is on, rather than waiting until the red light.” After realising her son’s emotions, Siu Lan will further utilise “Giraffe Language” with Lok Him to look, think, and talk to uncover the reasons behind his anger.
The Heart to Heart programme is dedicated to promoting positive parenting, encouraging parents and children to respect each other, so that children can have dignity and build up their self-worth through self-discipline and self-control. Before learning about positive parenting, Siu Lan’s expectations of her children tended to be more traditional: they should be quiet and obedient, always follow their parents, and refrain from “messing around”. Until she learned about positive parenting, she realised, “kids are kids. They are curious about the world and want to try many things. If we put too many restrictions on them, it will hinder their physical and mental development. Now I will let them try more and believe that they can do it!”
The Heart to Heart programme is a child protection project of Save the Children Hong Kong, which aims to promote positive parenting and build a non-violent environment for children to grow up. Within the 8 sessions of the “Positive Parenting, Loving Family” support group, parents improve parent-child communication and interaction with children in various ways.